Beyond biology: unmasking the harmful stigma against stepparents
What Kamala Harris represents is saturated with significance. While much of it is being thoroughly dissected, there is one aspect of her identity that hasn’t garnered the attention I believe it deserves.
Kamala Harris is a stepparent. Like me. And countless people around the world.
Speaking in Michigan in September, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, the governor of the state of Arkansas, said that her children kept her humble, drawing the contrast with Harris who "doesn't have anything keeping her humble."[1] Meaning, Harris is not a mother. Meaning, stepparents are not parents.
Sadly, this is a common view. And an assumption past its expiry date that as a changemaker, I challenge and hope you join me.
Whenever I mention my daughters’ age (almost 22 now), it is usually met with surprise. An early reviewer of my book, Change-maker’s Handbook (2023) recommended that I clarify that they are my stepchildren because of my age. I trust that person and considered it carefully but did not make the edit. Neither do I indulge all the surprised people.
I do not understand why I must justify my “title” as a parent.
It can’t be age alone: my extraordinary mother-in-law had her first child at fourteen, and nobody would dare question whether she is a mother. To be a bio-parent to our girls, I would have had them at 21.
More importantly:
I do not understand who gets to be a parent without qualifiers.
I assume that is the man and the woman in a committed heterosexual relationship who fall pregnant through consensual passionate lovemaking and raise their well- adjusted child in a loving home, marveling at genetic similarities and bonds that deepen with time.
That is a beautiful scenario! As long as I get to glass over the “passion” part, there were a few years in my early childhood where it described my bio-parents. My argument is merely that if you and I look around, many if not most people doing the vital work of parenting do not fit that picture.
Where does this lovely scenario leave accidental or otherwise unplanned pregnancies? Do parents who conceive via IVF make it in?
Is a genetic link required for a parent to drop qualifiers? Because lesbians alone do not account for the fact that the global sperm bank market measures $5 billion and is expected to grow at a compound annual growth rate (CAGR) of 3.56% between now and 2030[1]. I know both mothers and fathers who are not genetically related to their children, and in all likelihood, so do you. Moreover, we all know god- and grandparents raising kids because their bio-parents are not able or willing to.
Does it matter how long parents are in their children’s lives? I left my bio-parents when I was 15, and many parents — whether bio-, step-, or adoptive — don’t come onto the scene for a few years.
Are “real” parents defined by the amount of quality time spent with the children? That would disqualify many a parent working multiple jobs or those deployed overseas. And that would make me — and anybody born to parents before we knew about “quality time” — an orphan since birth.
Speaking of birth. Birth certificates might have had the definitive say on who is a parent if not for a worldwide tribe of people — my tribe, actually — who were lovingly parented by those who had zero legal obligation to do so.
Sure, not all stepparents are good. Hey, for some, their status obfuscates responsibility. But is that not the case with every type of parent?
There are lackluster bio-parents. There are also despicable bio-parents who should be stripped of their right to the “title” — and occasionally are. Perhaps, not as frequently as they are given every benefit not granted to other bio-parents and to every other type of parent. And there are exceptional parents of all stripes.
Have we not learned from “granting” equality to First Nations people, women, people of color, gay, and other “lesser” people only if they are exceptional? And only as long as the deciding “we” acquiesce?
What if it is when we stop discriminating against people on arbitrary bases that we can expect more from all?
What we don’t need to question is that good parents — like honorable people and excellent surgeons — have much more in common with each other than they do with bad parents. And that every child wants to be loved by as many adults as possible. Regardless of how many fit on a birth certificate or a school form.
Coming full circle, why do some parents get to be, simply, parents while others are expected to settle for less?
Qualifying other parents echoes of, “She’s a good worker, for a black!” or “He’s a great friend. He’s gay, though.”
What gives anybody besides Kamala Harris and her family the right to decide whether she is a parent?
For every child who has hope for the future, there are adults doing the vital work of parenting irrespective or biological or legal imperatives. And we all better off for it.
It is time we challenge entrenched assumptions about parents because they have outlived whatever usefulness they may have had. They marginalize parents and hurt children.
Given that my purpose as a changemaker — shared through my origin story — is to envision and create realities far better than we have imagined, I envision a future where all who are parents in the eyes of their children are honored for their vital work of love. And every child gets to love their parents without shame or, yes, qualifiers.
[1] Sarah Huckabee Sanders swipes at Kamala Harris for not having biological children. September 18, 2024. Kevin Shalvey for ABC News. Accessed November 2, 2024.
[2] Sperm Bank Market Size & Trends. Accessed October 30, 2024.